Dear God

Let me

persevere even when it seems I can not go on anymore
but have the wisdom to know when some things are not worth my energy.

make the right decisions
stick to the right choices

be appreciative of the good and thankful for the bad
be happy in every aspect of my life
be humble and to trust in You
be the best that I am able to be

have confidence as I go out in the world
have courage to stay on the path you have put out before me
have peace from within

love You
love myself
love every person whose life touches mine
whether they mean me well or mean me trouble

say the right word and do the right things to bless and comfort the people around me

learn from the experiences of others as well as the mistakes that I have made

know that You are near me with every step I take and every breath I breathe

Let me not be
regretful of the past
unheeding of the present
worried for the future

Let my
knowledge accumulate
wisdom strengthen
spirit grow
beauty shine from my heart

In order to become the person that I was meant to be

Protect and bless me, my family, and all those I love

Amen

Hate. Hate was running through her veins. Well, the girl reflected, maybe it wasn’t hate but it was certainly extreme dislike. Loathing perhaps? Definitely dislike. And right now, all of this dislike was directed at one person.

Her aunt. That bitch.

This dislike was a very uncomfortable feeling. The girl wasn’t used to disliking anyone. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she had disliked someone else this intensely. She was usually easy-going. A pushover maybe. She thought about that word a bit in her mind. No. Probably not a pushover. Definitely not used to hating anyone though. The feeling sat in her stomach, burning, simmering, a strange sort of heat. It was strangely satisfying. Perhaps she was a masochist.

The girl shivered a little. The room was cool, icy even. That was to be expected in a morgue of course. It was a small room, and she was facing the silver doors that held the bodies. That held a certain body. She shivered a little again, this time not with the cold. The security guard tried to joke with her but her solemn face staring back at him dimmed his cheer so he busied himself with whatever he was doing. As the body slid out, almost soundlessly, she caught her breath. She didn’t know what she was expecting but she certainly wasn’t expecting herself to be standing here, watching her grandfather rolling out on soundless wheels with an icy blast of air seemingly propelling him towards her.

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When I see you, all I see is the darkness
Ripped apart, sent to hell, you sacrificed yourself for a world that never knew
You never thought you’d come home, but here you are on my doorstep
Staring at me, and I’m looking back at you

So give me that chance to rediscover the person you are now
I’m strong enough to be the strength to lift you from a fall
Open your heart to let me back inside
Let me show you that I’ve never stopped loving you

You jerk awake, screaming out into the night.
The nightmares swirl with what was, what is, what could so easily have come true You never thought you’d escape but you’re safely in our bed
Holding on to me, and I’m clutching on to you

So give me that chance to rediscover the person you are now
I’m strong enough to be the strength to lift you from a fall
Open your heart to let me back inside
Let me show you that I’ve never stopped loving you

Sometimes you stop, and stare out in the distance.
You’re far away, some place I cannot follow, or see your point of view
I’ll never understand those memories but I’m by your side
With my hands outstretched towards you, asking you to…

Give me that chance to rediscover the person you are now.
Let me be your strength, let me be your peace, your friend, your all
Open your heart; I’ll keep it safe for you
Let me show you that I’ll never stop loving you.

They wheeled him in quickly. Too quickly for him to make out his surrounding, white and grey and green flashes of movement flying past him. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t like he was paying attention. No, he was focused inwardly instead, praying, hoping. What exactly was he hoping? He himself wasn’t sure of it. He just knew that it was the thing to do when one found themselves in these situations. His heart jumped in his chest erratically, dreading what was to come even though he had been reassured many times by official looking doctors who seemed to have a lot more knowledge than he would ever have. They said everything was going to be all right and that everything would go swiftly, that everything was routine, but he was still afraid.

He knew he had to go through with it, in order to fix him, to make what was wrong in him right. Still, the vague specter of death floated in the back of his mind. Anything could go wrong. Even though all his research said this surgery only had 0.1% of death, still, that meant some people did die. Maybe this was the time something could go wrong. His heartbeat jumped up another notch, keeping time with the rapid squeaking of the wheels bumping under his prone body. Doors opened before him, closed behind him, and yet, they kept moving.

Suddenly, everything came to a standstill and he found himself in a white room. Metal gleamed all around him. Computer screens with obscure symbols glowed green. A figure loomed next to him saying words that were muffled. He struggled to understand, but then, something clamped over his mouth and nose. This shock caused him to gasp deeply, drawing in a strange smelling gas up inside of him. He tried to expel it, but it was too late. His body began to freeze slowly. Not with cold, just with non-movement. It was impossible to twitch now and a feeling of claustrophobia descended on him.

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Our hands slide away
Fingertips brushing
Then only air
Separating us two
A million miles in-between

We stare at each other
Words are not enough
Words are never enough
And yet they still appear
So inadequate

You turn away
Then turn back quickly
Our bodies lean near
We are drawn together
But torn apart

You’re not even gone
But my heart misses you
Not sweet sorrow
Just an aching, longing
Heart shaped hole

The door slams shut
I run, tripping, hurrying
To catch a last glimpse
Of your passing face
Watching ‘til you disappear

I know you’re gone
But my body doesn’t
Your imprint still on me
Your lips taste lingering
Your voice ringing in my ears

Until the next time
You whisper
And I want to call out
Will there be a next time?
But you’re already gone.

It’s still Dark outside
But the birds are singing.
My eyes lazily open
And I stretch
My body Awakening.

But not yet,
You curl your Body
Around, Surrounding
Murmuring love thoughts.
Golden dust mote words.

An arm draped heavily
Holding me close
Pulling me closer.
Your musky Breath
Falling softly.

Morning chills touch
I snuggle in deeper
A cavern of warmth
Seeping in my Bones
I close my eyes

One Moment More…

I wanted very much to keep a running log of how much I wrote each day.  What I’ve discovered is that not only do I write very sporadically, with fits and starts and many days of turning on the computer only to stare at the screen blankly, but that I dislike being so regimented.  What I’ve discovered about myself is that I write because I am compelled to, not because I want to or I desire to.  Of course, in the end, I do love writing, but it is not that love that actually produces my output.  Some days I write as if I can not stop, the words spilling out before my mind even begins to perceive that I am thinking it.  Other days, no matter how stubbornly I try to force myself, not a single solitary word that I write am I satisfied with.  Therefore, in a long roundabout way, I am trying to say that I am done with daily updates because I simply don’t operate that way. 

So, instead of being a journal of my progress, this blog will be a repository of my results, and therefore be updated as sporadically as I write.  I will probably end up posting my short fiction, fits of thoughts, and poetry.  I will also write about major steps forward with regards to my longer fiction.  Beyond that, we will keep our fingers crossed. 

I have actually finished writing my first novel which is amazing considering my stories tend to max out at around 10 pages and this one has ended up being about 170 or so pages.  I will probably write more about my feeling on this in another post.  So, I will have some of my go-to readers to skim over it and give me ideas on how to improve it.  Then, it’ll probably go through about two rounds of further editing.  And then, as drumrolls ensue, I am actually considering submitting it to some literary agents or publishers to see if anyone bites.  Let’s see what happens!

Working Title: Trinity

Today’s Word Count: 2,223

Excerpt:

Kyle went over to his desk and turned on his computer. It blinked on, a blue glow in the relative dimness. But Kyle didn’t start working. He just stared blankly at the computer, all the thoughts going through his mind. He stared so long, the computer fell asleep again. He didn’t notice until much later.

Thoughts:

Slowly clambering over the HUMONGOUS writer’s block I have.  A little bit at a time.

Working Title: Trinity

Today’s Word Count: 1,481

Excerpt:

Simon and Peter looked at each other, speaking glances. Kyle could just see their bond pulsing with emotions. It wasn’t just that though. They were the speaking glances of friends, brothers, loved ones that had spent their whole lives together, whole conversations conveyed in a single raised eyebrow or a crinkle of the lips.

Thoughts:

Trying to grab a spare hour or two.  It’s actually really difficult but hey, slowly but surely, right?

Working Title: Trinity

Today’s Word Count: 1,511

Excerpt:

Kyle found he was tired too. Tired of being their only connection to the past, tired of loving these three incredibly people, tired of wanting things for them but never being able to give it to them.

Thoughts:

I want to do so much with these characters, get inside their heads.  Yet, I feel that everything I’m writing out sounds childish and discombobulated.  Maybe that’s really how my characters are.