Personal Discovery: Defining the Relationship with Self based on Others Part 2

Even though our relationships can vary in emotional intensity, we often find ourselves defining our closer relationships into a few categories: family, friends, and love relationships. In some ways, even having enemies is a sort of relationship (or more like an anti-relationship). We do this because they’re very different from each other and rules that apply to one type of relationship may not apply to another type of relationship. Through the years we have developed for ourselves patterns of behavior, templates, with how we act with others. What is slightly different about this subset of templates out of all the behavioral templates we have developed for ourselves is that they come in direct contact with other people’s templates. This contact point is where most relationships develop out from. To not understand where this contact point is or how it defines our relationship can often lead to unfulfilled expectations and misunderstandings. So it is important to know these rules and expectations that you have for relationships.

Sometimes, though, we allow our template to become whatever the other’s templates are. We submerge our self and fall completely into how others want us to be. This may work for a while but unless the template they want is exactly how you yourself are, in the long run, the dichotomy between how you yourself are and how the other person wants you to be will chafe, becoming more and more uncomfortable until you choose either to give up yourself entirely or you leave that relationship.

"You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family."

One type of relationship to focus deeper on is our family relationships, especially the family we are born into and grow up in. They are the first relationships we form and often, the ones that last the longest in our lifetime. They are what we often use as examples of what to do or what not to do when we marry and form our own families. Our parents, or lack thereof, make a huge impact on us. It is their values we are taught first, their thoughts and beliefs we internalize, their patterns of behavior we first actively learn to accept or reject. Even if we rebel against them, many of their ways of thinking and perceiving, their values, form the core of the way we define our world. Our siblings are the ones that first give us roles in life, responsibilities, and competition. Siblings are the ones who may know us the longest. Parents are there for the beginning, lovers later on, friends come in and out of our lives, but siblings often see us through it all. We have relationships with them as children, as adolescents, and as adults and these relationships will change us accordingly. So often, a major part of understanding ourselves lie in understanding our family and the role we play in them. We may deviate from them, escape from them, deny them, even flat out reject them, but they will always, for better or worse, influence us.

Another major factor in our relationship with others lies in our personality and that is our level of extraversion and introversion. People generally fit into one of four types and their type determines their level of social interaction.

• Extroverted Extroverts – people who gain energy from being in contact with others. They thrive in social situations and love being in the center of things. These are very popular people who make friends easily. When there are times they are by themselves, , they tend to become fatigued, easily bored, and listless. They often don’t know what to do with themselves on the rare occasion they find themselves alone and will actively seek out social situations.

• Introverted Extroverts – people who gain energy from being in contact with others. They usually have large groups of friends and like going out with others. Though they can become easily tired when alone, they don’t mind spending time alone, often immersed in their own hobbies.

• Extroverted Introverts – people who gain energy by being alone. They do like spending time with friends and often have a circle of good friends whom they keep in close contact with. However, spending too much time out will often tire them out and they’ll need to recharge by spending time alone.

• Introverted Introverts – people who gain energy by being alone. They prefer spending time alone and are perfectly capable of being alone for long periods of time without needing the company of others. They have a few close friends but they can find it hard to make friends and to maintain friendships. Social situations tire them out quickly and they tend to linger in the quieter corners rather than be the center of attention.

To determine the type you are, monitor yourself in situations when you are around people and times when you are alone. When do you feel energized? Do you prefer going out or do you have to convince yourself to leave the house? It is possible and normal to be any of the four types and it is possible to change from one type to another depending on your life circumstances and changes in personality over the course of your life. To understand your type is not only to gain a deeper insight into your own personality, but also gain an insight into the general state of our relationships as well as giving us clues for what to watch out for in our relationships.

No matter our personality, though, other people will populate most of our life journey so it is inevitable that they will make an impact on us. It is our job to understand whether these impacts are in a positive or negative manner and to consciously choose to be with those who elevate our life, pushing us to be a better person.